I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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