theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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