i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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