I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
