and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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