my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
