if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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