my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
