I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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