I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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