Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
