hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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