she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
