Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
