did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
