I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
