last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
