and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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