I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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