Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
