i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
