I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
