Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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