Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think my moral compass just broke
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