You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
