Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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