my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
