I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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