Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
