I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
