Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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