Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
high people should be assigned attendants
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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