You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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