I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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