someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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