I think my fart just growled at me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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