She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
