Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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