Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
