it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
