I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When did we convert life to cartoon?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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