My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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