I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
