btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
