one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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