Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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