I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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