It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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