Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
