i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
